HELLO.
noi. 100493
i have flaws but i have feelings too. i'm only eighteen, i've made mistakes that i'm not proud of and will continue making mistakes. i'm only human. but i love you. always will.

This few months after I got back from Vietnam, I have been on a roller coaster ride. I have been on this ride for too long. The ups and downs, the heart breaks I caused and the heart breaks I got back is just too much. I have had enough with all these craps and stupid habits. It time for a change. How long more can I keep repeating the same mistakes. How many chances will people finally give me before they really give up on me. Whatever happened in the past should just stay in the past. Just because I was hurt once before gives me a reason to hurt someone now. But Alhamdulillah, these past few months have been a pleasant journey. With a few quality friends who have been pulling and dragging me slowly to the right path, I am now changing.  A change for the better. Slowly start off with prayers, then more frequent visits to the mosque then joining a religious class and Alhamdulillah now, bertudung. It indeed has been a long journey. A journey to finding my true self.

I think I finally understood what they meant by "everything happens for a reason". Maybe I was made to make all those mistakes and to learn from them. I learnt it all by the hard way. Through it all, I've learnt something really important and that is appreciation. Maybe my main problem is I do not appreciate the things I have and look for something better but what I actually had was already the best I could ever get. I was given a second chance but I blew it. But to think of it, what if I did not blew the chances I had, would I still be the person I have changed to be now? It has given me a lot to think.

I am slowly making amends with people whom I've done wrong. Learn how to forgive and forget. Easier said than done but I will try. The first person I want to make amends with is that one person who have been in my wallet since Vietnam. It has been a year and it took me almost a year to realise it. To realise how important you actually are to me. You were the only person who did not give up on me. You were the only person who did not care what other people told you about me because you choose to believe me instead of them. You were the only one who accepted me for who I am. You saw all my flaws but you still chose to love me the way you did. Whole heartedly, unconditionally and sincerely loved me. But I left. Twice. But now that I have changed and want to change for the better and know the meaning of appreciation, I want a last chance. When I saw you tearing at your dad's funeral it hit me real hard. How I should have been by your side all these while to help you and give you support when your dad was in the hospital. I shouldn't have gave up on you. I should have fought for you, for us. I should not have left. But this time round, I'm not repeating the same mistake again. I am not going anywhere. I'm done leaving. I want to make this right. You have my word. I promise that I will do whatever it takes for this to work out. It really feels different now. The feeling i have towards you now is different than how I felt for you before. I still love you the same but it feels different, in a good way. It is like filled with purity. Like for the right reasons. For the first time I feel like Im loving someone because of Allah. It feels good. It makes me calm. Seeing you just warms my heart. I really do not know how it feels loving someone cause of Allah but I have a good feeling this is it. My heart feels so much but my brain just can;t put it into words. I just want to get all of this off my chest and let you know but no. I will not. Partly because you are still in your mourning period and I want this to work out because you want it to work out as well. Honestly I see a future with you. Only you. In my prayers I'm always hoping I would find a guy that can guide me to the right path, to become a good muslimah, a filial daughter, a good friend and who knows, InsyaAllah a good wife. And I really hope it will be you. If Allah permits and if He thinks you are the man for me, He will bring you to me. InsyaAllah. :')


p/s: it took me 2 grave mistakes to finally realise i love you like no other. i do not only love you, i am in love with you Sufiyan. 

Hi, 3 more weeks to my birthday. As much as Im excited, I just want to get it done and over with. I do not want to celebrate or make a huge deal out of my birthday. I spent my eighteenth in Vietnam cycling and being so far away from you and this year you wont be around again. I've always imagined you surprising me outside my doorstep twelve midnight on the 10April and surprising me again after work and bring me out for a dinner and just have some catch up session on our lives. BUT its just a wishful thinking on my part. That aint gonna happen. I think I'll end up rereading your email that you sent me for my eighteenth birthday and tearing over it. :')

Happy 24th Abang. I know we have countless disagreements and differences, you being a total pain in the ass and me being a total biatch, I want to tell you that I love you and Im glad to have you as my brother. Im sorry for all the wrong doings i've done to you or forget to do that hurt you or whatsoever. Hope you will enjoy your mini celebration I tried to plan for Friday.

I'm here to stay and make the difference that i can makeOur differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and giftsWe got yeah we got a lot at stakeAnd in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intendFor us to work we didn't break, we didn't burnWe had to learn, how to bend without the world caving inI had to learn what i got, and what i'm notAnd who i am"