HELLO.
noi. 100493
i have flaws but i have feelings too. i'm only eighteen, i've made mistakes that i'm not proud of and will continue making mistakes. i'm only human. but i love you. always will.

What does 'home sweet home' means? I wonder. Well, remind me again why sometimes I don't find it sweet being at home. Its such a torture being at home. With brother and sisters like them, no surprise why I always spend my time outside rather than at home. Hmm. Even the ELDEST sister admitted that her workmates are the people she loves more than her family. How wow huh. About the brother. For a second there I thought that he has changed. For the better. Can talk to and stuff. But I was wrong. So wrong. Yes I know you want to 'train' us for the working life with all those baddies or whatever you want to call it. But come on la. We do have feeling do you know that? Oh wait. Do you even know what does feelings means or caring about people's feelings? I think you don't. You just 'add fuel to the fire' or 'putting more salt to the wound'. You made things worse. Excuse me. I KEPT YOUR SECRET. SOMETHING THAT I HAPPENED TO FIND OUT. I do not tell mum about it. I dont even DARE to ask you. You are like a stranger I do not know but you are part of my life. The other older sister. I pity her. Do ther rest of you have to shoot her like that at once. She already feels sad and so many things are happening in her life and i can tell tat its very hectic for her. She is so stress. She has exams. She has problems. She needs our support la Kakak and Abang. Stop being so tough or hard headed with her. She has no other people to rely on cos we are her SIBLINGS. Now I'm the only one she relies on. She cannot rely on you both. Know why? Cos you both are just HOPELESS! No care and concern to your own adik. When you see someone at home crying or is sad, do you come and comfort? NO! You don't. I wonder if you still see us as your adiks. You can find me tearing up writing this post. You can call me crybaby or cengeng or whatever fuck I DONT CARE! I don't think mum and dad brought us up to be like this. Stranger towards each other. Raya is coming. The first day. The forgiving each other day. Over the years, I dont think that its useful uh. You forgive each other at the end of the day, you will still hurt each other. Another thing, it has always been the younger apologising to the older and the older just sits and say 'hmm' or even just smile. The older never apologises. I'm terribly sure that mum and dad, especially mum, is disappointed to see us like this. She is pressurized by this. All she'll say is "this is the part and parcel of life. asam garam hidup. it will change". Well, i hope it will. Everyday after my daily prayers, I'll seek for forgiveness and I'll always pray to Allah that they* will change. Change for the better and treat us better. I love them. They all. The three of them plus my mum and dad of cos. I really do. But its difficult. With a brother who doesn't talk to me or regard me as his his own flesh and blood, sisters who doesnt talk and get along with each other, tell me how to help them. I'm helpless. I do not know how to help them. All I can do now is cry and pray. I think I've said this the kezillion time that I envy other people's families or easy to say, their siblings. How close thier bond and relationship is. Well, I shall not dwell on it anymore cos its not worth it. All my efforts are wasted all went down the drain. Well, all is not lost. Im still the same old next door girl. A very optimistic girl. (:

Noi.

LABELS: I STILL LOVE THEM.